The Joy and the Pain.

It's been quite a month so far. Really balanced. Like to get my life back, I had to give it all up, or lose it. So the high of getting it and the low of losing it leaves me right here. Like getting off the roller coaster, shaky and excited, just a little nauseous. It's really been crazy.

An email from Robin who was congratulatory and angry at the same time.

An email from someone anonymous totally ragging on me. Secretly I enjoy those though. That person also emailed Kelly.

Awful few days with her, which was unusual.

Kelly asked me to move out. (I know, I know, she's finally free. Don't rub it in.)
By the way, Kelly is so incredible. She is absolutely lit up and passionate about her life.
So she and I have some logistics to work out.

I got really clear on who I have been the past 20 years and why. And I now have an entirely different view of life. It's really unelievable. That i've been running away from everyone and everything. I din't think anyone realy cared, so I've lived like i don't matter. If it wasn't for wanting tomake a difference after Steve died, I'd be a complete waste.

Someone said to me recently-but similiar words have been said to me for years...

"I hate not you, but your choices - that you dont love me - I hate that the most ... As a person, I admire and adore you."

That's kinda how people have gotten me for 20 years. And I've not given more that 70%. And anywhere people tried to love me, when faced with failure, I ran.

Now I don't have to anymore. I get that people love me, and I do matter, and what I do matters. So now It's just about cleaning things up and getting reordered. I'm excited and exhausted. So I'm off to bed.