Wow what a week. I'm really not sure if I am ahead or behind but here are some things I feel confident about.

I feel confident again, and in the face of almost certain failure even. It seems to be a breakthrough in results expectation and being. Who i am being is the best shot at creating the results I want.

I was promoted from my fun and pleasant and secure marketing director position to Processing Director.

Being in a relationship with her has been wonderful. Here is one reason I know. i can see where she is struggling, where she is deficient I might say in character or performance, and it doesn't threaten me. I'm ok with who she is and isnt. And I am confident she has it handled.

Some big questions coming up...where will I live in a month, am I dropping the ball in SELP?
Can I pull off the ultimate tournaments?
Can I stay healthy?

I have a feeling the car, my teeth, and something unknown will overwhelm me financially all trhe sudden. You know how that goes. Cirq du solei this week. her gift to me. It's like a premier showing of a new shoe at the hockey arena. Wow!

Ok, time for me to get outta here.

Kelly's words echo in my head often. "Your act is all over this Jason." So I'm on guard now moment by moment.

Life is cool these days. I get that when my arms are open the universe responds. I've kept things at arms length for so long, it's like exercicing a new muscle to "put myself out there".

Going to the party after ultimate last weekend, chatting with people at the tournament. And it was all so easy and comfortable. It was in who I was being. I'm almost overwhelmed by a sense of responsibility to my environment.

Last night Ultimate was awful on Sample Rd. I know I could have transformed that environment. But I was being stingy.

My bro Justin has been emailing me more, That's a lot of fun for me. he wants to come see me this summer, so we are going to make it happen!

Did I mention I am still looking for a new place to live?

Geri is still up and down in conversation with me. Some days mad, some days demanding, some days generous in her sharing.

I've learned a lot about her, and I am excited about what I have seen. Her smile is her autenticity meter. She is a smiling machine. She's a master of whatever game she chooses to play. She is putting forth admirable effort to be in a great relationship with her mom.

Gotta head to lunch...

First of all, my mom emailed me and that...was really sweet. Girls need their dads and boys need their moms. I think that cross gender parental relationship is the key to later cross gender relationships.

I learned to be a man from my dad, and who to be in relationships from my mom. Not exactly...it's more like I learned from my view of my mom right? And for the most part I am awesome in relationships, the biggest breakdown being my belief that no one really loves me or cares. So I make people give me proof, by what they say or do. And I look to make people wrong, so I can be right that they don't love me.

Anyway I was so grateful for my mom's email. She is very smart, and very interesting, and like me she is very literal ;)

Other cool stuff:
I distinguished that I give and then pull back. I can look back and see it is a strong and historic pattern. It is attached to my act. Or part of another act? Either way I do it allll the time. I'm doing it right now in like 20 different areas... errr.

I also know I call my self unambitious, non-competitive. I think that's part of not giving my all too. Ii admire people who give everything they have for the things they love. Most people who know me well, wouldn't say they can count on me to the end. It's in my being I think, that i am just not 100% there. Like no matter what.

I can hear the voices starting to roar. But if I gave my all, it would ask too much of me. I would never have time for it all. I would just fail anyway.

I get so scared, I want to run away and be alone, it really requires something of we to stay in the game some days.

Looking back over the past few years I wonder what happened to me. I think there is more to discover there in the years I disappeared. It's not that I didn't have a great time with Kelly, we were certainly very happy for a few years. But there was something missing in me.

I remember who I was at Oceanview. And I would say i was more alive there, but a more honest look, and I think the last time I was really living was in HS. Since I graduated I just went from one avoidance, breakdown, mediocre effort to another.

Every job, every relationship, every day I can see I was just being half of me. And I knew it. A lot of that time I was very very busy, and I was enjoying life, but I compromised so much in so many places.

I know that must be true of almost everyone. I feel like I just crossed the desert, or maybe my 40 days in the wilderness. And now I'm moving into a new stage of life. Where I get that who I am and what I do matters. I remember feeling that way my Jr year of HS. I was an exemplary student, a fantastic actor and singer, an athlete...it was a good year.

Who I am now is the possibility of Courage and Contribution, and I am certain that will evolve.

I am also late for the gym ;)

Seems like if I spend more than 8 hours in this house I start sneezing. I think the cat has house fever too. She is constantly scratching at the glass.

Life is good these days. No major issues. I feel a bit out of shape. Time to make good on my gym commitment this week. Last week I sabotaged myself by not getting enough sleep. This weekend I caufgt up and I will be at the gym this week every morning.

I like getting awareness over effort. So a problem only seems like a problem, and if I apply effort to the problem, the problem resists with equal strength. If I am simply aware there is a problem, I will auto adjust to correct without effort.

I see that work in most areas. Some problems seem less auto correctectable. For example. What am i going to do with the rest of my life?
The problem might look like, I am not satisfied with my career. The auto correct on a problem of this size seems to be more time intensive.

Some other observations. Every great thing seems to takes 3 . 1 is fun startup, 2 is struggle, 3 is fruits of the labor. Much of life goes in this cycle. whether it's 3 minutes or 3 years, an idea or a relationship.

Ok, can't stop sneezing. Look forward to watching the race.

Ugh, my posting commitment has been small of late. Seems like I struggle to have balance. I am afraid that if whatever I am doing doesn't get enough attention it won't be good enough. So I lean hard one way and other stuff spills. Let me look at what is spilling.
Mediocre effort on growing Manna
I am out of shape
my room is a disaster
the house is a mess
i am lacking focus
i haven't slept well
Haven't kep some commitments
haven't updated my webpire
slacking on ultimate duties

ok that will do for now.

So it's ok to have a breakdown list. My life is great. I am great.
But when stuff isn't working. It's time for a sit down with self.

I am really blown away by Andrea and Kelly. Their courage is outstanding.
Both are taking on new relationships, and new lives. And I appreciate their contribution to my life . Now I need some awesome male peers to round out a pretty talented group. Maybe Seth will play? I'll get a feel for him later when we meet. I'm sure he is great.

She has really helped me a lot. Her strength, even when she doesn't see it. She keeps battling, doesn't quit, doesn't lose it. And that's with me pushing so hard. I created an environment where she thought everything needed to be fixed. I must communicate that to a lot of people. But it's really just about awareness. Being able to see where I am-who i am-in any moment-no need to change or fix because my awareness of hwere I am creates the adjustments needed to be my possibility.

Like when we lose our balance, we don't think LeFt RIGHT rIGHT LeFT. We just do it. We adjust when we are aware we are not balanced. So much effort and struggle is not required. Just awareness. And a smile never hurts ;)

So that is a valuable lesson for me. To be aware, and to coach awareness, not fixing.

She is taking me dancing tonight. I am scared. LOL of what? Who knows? failing somehow. looking dumb ;) Not enough to stop me anymore. Why be stopped? Life is too short to not experience it fully and courageously.

Another person I am proud of is Geri. She is wrestling with being powerful or being stopped. And I am at cause for the wrestling. Who I have been has created a loss of trust and integrity. She wants to trust me, she feels like she can't. But soon she will get that her life is hers, not mine or anyone else's. Take your life on Geri. You are powerful and amazing. How about Powmazing?

Courage and Contribution.

I have so been missing the mark by not blogging. I miss the opportunity to review and get new insights. So much has happened lately. I'm really really blown away by both Geri and Kelly. It seems like everyday I see more in how tough it is to be a single parent. And every time I talk to Kelly it's like she has reached a deeper understanding of her self and her power.

As for me, I am fat and injured. Not sure which came first. But I am renewed and invigorated nonetheless. I know I am in a battle, and I forgot that for a while. I'm Back!